


Lemon Boy

by your_starless_eyes



Series: Lemon Boy [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2017 Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Anxiety, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Emotional Comfort, Established Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Lemon Boy (Cavetown album), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Paranoia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-06
Updated: 2018-01-06
Packaged: 2019-02-28 19:52:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13278696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_starless_eyes/pseuds/your_starless_eyes
Summary: Social anxiety is hard. With it comes paranoia, panic and a list of other things, and Phil really can't handle it alone.Thankfully, he doesn't have to.





	Lemon Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the song
> 
> Lemon Boy  
> Cavetown  
> Lemon Boy  
> 2018
> 
> "Lemon Boy is the anxiety, the negativity, the illness that's inside all of us, and that is very strong inside me. A way of being happy for me is disassociating myself from those things, but also learning to live alongside them as a friend. I really hate Lemon Boy sometimes but he's never going away, and I can use him for good (this album for instance)."  
> -Robin Skinner (Cavetown), via Bandcamp

> _ So Lemon Boy and me, we just gotta get along together / I'll help him plant his seeds and we'll mow the lawn in bad weather / It's actually pretty easy being nice to a bitter boy like him / So I got myself a citrus friend // But what if I run out of fertiliser / What if the clouds run out of rain / What if Lemon Boy won't grow no longer / What if beaches dry of sugar cane / Oh well / The whales start to beach themselves / Tortoise shells tear away from their spines / It happens all the time, it happens all the time _

_ ~Lemon Boy, Cavetown (Lemon Boy, 2018) _

_ •-•-•-•-• _

Phil silently watches the people through the window. They can't see him, he reminds himself as they rush through the streets, carrying umbrellas and bags and whatever else. They laugh, and talk, and walk, and enter and exit cabs. They all seem bright and happy. Yet, Phil can't help but feel uneasy. Why?

Perhaps it's that he's losing his mind.

Phil closes the blinds again, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. He sinks into a crouch, resting his head against his knees. What's wrong with him? Of course there's going to be people all around. It's London. It's  nearing Christmas. It's busy. Tourists and visitors and families, not to mention the people that live here. The people around here aren't planning on hurting him.

_ You're going mad, _ _Lester_ , he tells himself bitterly. There's a crash from another room, and Phil's head snaps up.  _What the hell was that?_

He tries to tell himself it was only Dan, but then he remembers that the younger boy isn't here. His breathing is tight and his chest aches. Phil lets out a choked little sob, and the spiral tightens.

_ I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die. Oh, God, there's someone in the flat and I'm going to _ _die_.

He reaches for his phone, but it's not in his pocket. It's on the dresser, in his room, which is closer to the noise. Call Phil crazy, but he doesn't want anywhere near whatever the noise was.

_ Come on, Daniel. _ _Please!_  

Phil curls up further into himself, and he feels tears streaming down his face as he threads his fingers through his hair. It's stupid, really, he knows, but he can't help it. He should have gone with Dan to the store. He should have, he should have, he should have.

He should have, but it's too late and now he's going to die because of one stupid choice.

There's a thud, and Phil sobs again, yanking at his hair. He can't breathe, can't think. Maybe if he stays quiet and still they won't hear him. He bites his lip hard enough he can taste blood as he tries to stifle his whimpers of terror.

 _No,_ Phil realises with a sinking heart.  _The noises are getting louder, they're rhythmic._ _They're footsteps._ _They're coming for me!_

He can't help it any longer. He cries freely. If he's going to die, it doesn't matter if it's in shame. He sobs brokenly, not bothering to wipe his eyes as the tears streak down his cheeks. There's a click, and Phil is sure it's a gun.

"Phil?" a familiar voice calls. "You going to come help me get the groceries?"

Dan.

Phil has never been so happy to hear that... _articulate_ voice, but he can't stop crying to reply. He looks up as Dan walks through the door, and the younger boy's face instantly melts into concern.

"Phil," Dan whispers, kneeling beside him. "Hey, what's wrong? What happened?" Phil can't form a response, so he pulls Dan close, wrapping his arms around the brunette and crying into his shoulder. Dan lets him, rubbing Phil's back in a comforting manner, whispering words that are probably meant to be calming, but are completely nonsensical all the same. Dan's level voice, coupled with his gentle touch and familiar scent, brings Phil down after several minutes, and he lets out a long breath.

"I-I'm sorry," Phil stammers, pulling back. He feels stupid. He's thirty years old- surely he should be able to handle his best friend leaving him alone for a couple of hours.

"You have nothing to apologise for," Dan tells him softly. "Want to tell me what happened?" Phil shakes his head. "You don't have to, then." He smoothes Phil's dark hair over his forehead, fixing his fringe where it became mused as Phil raked his hands through it endlessly.

"I do," Phil whispers. "I'm a wreck. I don't do anything. I'm worthless. Why do you stay?" Dan looks pained.

"You're not worthless, Phil," he says after a moment. "You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I love you. That's why I stay. Yes, you've got issues, but so have I, and we've just got to work past them."

"What if we can't?" Phil asks, his eyes watering up again. "What if I'm like this forever- unable to be left alone without having a complete panic attack?"

"You're not going to be like this forever," Dan assures him, wiping the tears away from Phil's face. "You're already doing better. Would twenty two year old Phil have gotten up on stage and preformed a show he wrote and designed with his best friend?" Phil shook his head. "You did, though. Would twenty five year old Phil have had the confidence to share an idea for a board game with an actual company and let them help make it a real thing?" Phil shook his head again. "You did."

"I only did it because I had you," Phil replies quietly, his voice breaking. "You keep me sane, Daniel, or at least as close to it as I can be."

"And you do the same for me," Dan tells him, hugging him tightly. Phil wraps his arms around Dan's shoulders, placing a delicate kiss against his neck.

"Thank you," Phil whispers, speaking against Dan's skin. "Thank you for all you do."

"I do it all because I love you," Dan says, his voice low. He kisses the top of Phil's head, and for a long moment, he lets Phil stay there, nestled in his arms. Phil feels his muscles relax as he reassures himself, the tension seeping out of his body.

_You're safe. You'll always be safe. You have Dan, and he has you._

_Nothing bad is going to happen, Phil._

**Author's Note:**

> My social anxiety is really bad. I won't speak to people I don't know. I won't let people stand or walk behind me. I don't take my eyes off them. I don't let people touch me. I keep my back to the wall at all times. I don't appreciate sudden movement. Hands in pockets sets off alarm bells.
> 
> I wrote this when I was feeling exceptionally anxious following an event I attended a few weeks back, just after the release of the Lemon Boy music video on the fifteenth of December.
> 
> This story was my weird way of coping with my own issues.


End file.
